Depression Is Contagious by Michael Yapko

Author:Michael Yapko
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Atria Books
Published: 2009-07-29T16:00:00+00:00

Sixth: Adaptability and Problem-Solving Skills

Relationships are naturally going to change over time. Organizations evolve, staffs turn over, company priorities shift as new ideas come in and current ideas become obsolete. Marriages and other long-term committed relationships also change over time. People age, bodies change, babies arrive, children become adolescents, young adults leave home, grandkids arrive. Adaptability indicates how well someone accepts and responds to the inevitability of change. “Rigidity” describes the difficulty some people have in adjusting to change. The more rigid someone is, the more energy he expends trying to keep things comfortably the same. The rigidities can range from relatively simple ones (“Don’t ever sit in my chair again!”) to much more complicated ones (“How can I live without you?”).

Rigidity surfaces in relationships when a change of some sort is needed. For example, Max consistently shows up late for meetings with his team at work. His supervisor lets him know politely that he’s done that one too many times and his tardiness will no longer be tolerated. Max says, “C’mon, gimme a break. I’m busy with things! Besides, the first ten minutes of these meetings are just silly small talk, anyways.” Max is given the feedback that his behavior is unacceptable. Instead of changing it, he defends it and thereby indirectly states his intent to go on as before. Someone else may use foul language that you explain you find offensive, but he defends his right to use it. Someone else is impolite and refuses to use good manners because she thinks they are unnecessary in a good relationship. Examples of how people refuse to change unacceptable behavior and defend it are endless. You can defend it, but you’re not helping the relationship any when you do that. Someone has already told you it’s offensive behavior. Your defending it isn’t likely to make that person change his or her mind. It only creates an uncomfortable impasse.

In assessing people for relationships or business, you would be wise to observe how well they adapt to feedback and to changes in circumstances. When someone is so rigid that he demands that a plan stay the same, for example, even when it’s a poor one with predictable negative consequences, it doesn’t bode well for future interactions. When people are so rigid that they’d rather brush off your concerns or wishes than hear them and adapt to them, the relationship is guaranteed to suffer.

A “stay-the-course” philosophy can be a sign of stability, but it can also be a sign of rigidity, particularly when it polarizes people and makes them dig in their heels even harder. In healthy, long-term relationships of any sort (business or personal), it is a constant challenge to keep the lines of communication open enough for one to say to the other, “This isn’t working for me anymore.” And, someone tuned in and responsible may sigh and wish to avoid the rest of the conversation, but will instead do what’s sensible and figure out how to make things workable for both.

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